Friends (Not the TV Series)

Well I didnt sleep very well last night as I tossed and turned trying to decide what I should put into todays blog. This thing has got me consumed. All these thoughts racing thru my head. I think I have a following of about 3 regular readers right now and if the cute redhead at the dangerous reception counter of the Blend decides to take a look it will be 4. I'm kinda partial to redheads what ever the tint de jour is this week.

This was my second visit to the Blend in as many days, having hopped on the Kangaroo train the night before. The bartender remembered me and swiftly served up my Stoli's on the rocks with a lemon twist.

This night I was there with friends and if they are friends of mine, they are undoubtedly friends of Billy's. The reason we were at the Blend is because of the 5:01 club which was destined for the Piano Bar until a private party moved some to the Blend.....but the real final destination was Bricks. The 5:01 people were moving furitvely and more often than Osama bin Ladin. I sure hope they find him and give him the dickens.....Speaking of Dickens...do you remember Dickens Cider.....Billy always enjoyed that beverage, but now its hard to find.

Joining us at the Blend was Bob...he is Tom Arnolds uncle and he is giving up his parking pass so we can take Billy to the football game tomorrow at the Carver- Kinnick Arena. We will be able to park in the Iron Lung section and it will be just a short roll to the arena. Actually I think he is feeling bad for taking Billy's seat at the premier of the Final Season last week and he is trying to smooth that over.

Other friends were Tom & Carol....actually Tom and Carol are Billy's Godparents....they are both retired but both still working. Tom keeps working away a various word puzzles and Billy keeps working away at solving them. Billy is a bit dyslexic due to the way he has to watch television. You see since he spends most of the time in the iron lung he watches the TV thorough a series of mirrors positioned at precise angles throughout the room. This gives him a reversed image of the actually picture and when there are words on the screen they are backwards. Its a real bitch when he is watching something that is closed captioned. Consequently he doesn't watch a lot of TV instead he has his trusty AM transistor radio which he has set on WMT 600 most of the time since that signal comes in loud and clear. His Favorite program is Rush Limbaugh. What's not to like about Rush...nuff said. His second favorite is the BBRE which for those of you not on the cutting edge, stands for the Bob Bruce Radio Experience. I believe he is close to being a P1 which is quite an accomplishment. He likes Bob Bruce because he's kind of sort of a sports guy and although Billy will probably never play sports he can dream. Billy doesn't really give a crap about the flap over the Twin Pines golf course, though.

Carol, is a retired school marm and comes over to Billy's house a few times a week and tutors him. She has that European flare about her which is evidendenced by the socks inside her sandals. Billy likes Carol's tank side manor and appreciates her efforts. Carol is also a Hawkeye fan and has the fancy seats and she has promised Billy a chance to view the game from up there sometime. Do you have any idea how hard it is to drag Billy to our seats. Those concrete steps give us a workout and , quite frankly we do block most of the aisle. That elevator up to the top would be such a treat.

After Bob rushed off, Gary and Mary arrived. Gary is Cedar Rapids' newest pizza baron. He is also former past president of the Ex Club and scribe of the newsletter commonly know as the Rag. Billy likes me to read the Rag to him and he is especially fond of the jokes at the end. Mary looks a lot like Jamie Lee Curtis and chokes down Funnies like there is no tomorrow.

We can't talk about friends with our mentioning Snatches; which is Billy's newest friend.

If you want to tailgate with Billy tomorrow look for the upside down Cubs flag...he should be nearby. ( See Picture)

Billy's Dad Otto von Crippe

Billy's dad is the reason he is in an iron lung. Billy's dad ......well anyway the husband of Billy's mom is Otto von Crippe...Billy still feels strongly that his dad is one of those Norway baseball players...but thats another story.

Otto came to the Amana area from Milwaukee where he worked in a the Schlitz Brewery. But after 6 years at the cushy job which included all the beer he could steal, he got fired because they caught him urinating in a beer vat. He came to Amana because he thought he could get on at the Millsteam Brewery...but they would not hire him. So he got a job at the Amana Meat shop stuffing sausages. He liked working there and the conditions were amicable for his excessive habit of chain smoking cigarette. (See Photo) He couldn't actually smoke wile stuffing the sausages, but they were very liberal about letting him take smoke breaks. That is where he met my Uncle Rudy who also smoked a lot. Otto smoked Lucky Strikes and my Uncle Rudy smoked Raleigh's He bummed a Raleigh from Uncle Rudy and immediately fell in love with the robust flavor and decided to switch. He would rather switch than fight anyway. You see Otto was obsessive compulsive about collecting things. He would trade at places that offered S&H Green stamps just for the stamps. He once saved enough stamps to buy a cat clock. For those of you who don't know...a genuine cat clock has the tail wagging at 6PM position.

Well with these Raleigh's came a certain trading coupon which could be redeemed for gifts out of a catalog. He smoked them stinky Raleigh's just for the coupons. He even got Priscilla to smoke them and her sister Regina too. I believe he would have had Billy smoking if he were just a little older. Billy would have been about 9 at the time.

The whole family would sit around the kitchen table after dinner and play Yatzee...chain smoking all the time. Just for those damn coupons because they had their heart set on a new television...this one would be color with matching TV trays that had the Zenith Logo on them. Keep in mind that the fags were only 25 cents a pack and there scheme was working quite well until Billy developed a nasty cough. This went on for several weeks until the nurse at school insisted that Billy go to the doctor.

His diagnosis was severe and complete lung failure and all the coupons needed to be traded for an iron lung. No color TV for the vonCrippe family....but Billy lives!

Billy's Aunt, Regina

Billy's aunt Regina is how I got to know Billy in the first place. I think the first time I saw her was at the Moosemobile at an Iowa Hawkeye game, tailgating before the football game. The Moosemobile is a retired Ford breadtruck of the 50's and is finished in an aluminum effect and it actually has Moose ears. Its owned by Randy of Moose McDuffys which is where a lot of the Ex Club wags hang out. Anyway, there was Regina, a stately woman, tall dark, big boned...I believe she was either Italian or Polish...still not sure which. But she had that ever so faint wisp of a mustache you might find on a olive skinned brunette.

Shortly thereafter, I ran into her again on a Friday night at the Moose. She was at the end of the long tables which are permanently conjoined for some odd reason and she had that come hither look about her. I had just ended a relationship with a flight attendant who decided to move to Florida. I gave her my best pick-up line I could come up with at the time...it was probably so stupid I can't even remember. Well it worked and we were off bar hopping.

We ended up at Eddie Piccards place at the top of the five in downtown Cedar Rapids. He serves up a fine jazz set with his Trio which consists of four musicians. But the real treat is the over-priced martinis at the joint. Sometime its just worth it. We danced and we drank martinis until it was time for the band to wrap it up.

On the way home we thought it would be fun to stop in at Bernie & Debs Condo...this is when they lived off of 42nd street because that is the neighborhood where Regina had her house. Well, the tinis must have been too much because we never did find Bernies Place and I just know Bernie would have had fun with Regina. She was such a flirt and that night she had on a very sexy outfit that would make a bulldog break its chain.

Actually, we barely were able to find Regina place, but after circling the same block 4 times, her place mysteriously materialized. I was just going to drop her off at the door since it was our first official date; but she insisted I come in for a final final!

Regina makes a great martini as well and that might have been the straw that broke the camels back because Mr Bruce was not moving very well and given the lateness of the hour it was prudent for me not to attempt to drive home.

I suggested that I could sleep on the sofa, but somehow we fell into her bed together. Soon clothes were flying every which way and Lucky Chucky did not let me down. I'll spare you all with the details but let it suffice that we were both drenched in perspiration and collapsed in each others arms.

The next morning I woke up in a strange sun-filled room. I did not know where I was and then noticed Regina beside me. On the nightstand was a picture of a striking studly guy. My heart sunk at the sight of the picture. I asked Regina if it was her brother. She advised she had no brother. I asked her if it was a boyfriend...she told me it was not a boyfriend. Fearfully, I asked if it was her husband and she replied that she had never been married. Curiosity got the best of me and I insisted that she tell me who it was. Her reply was that it was a picture of her before the operation. Goodgrief! Just my luck to pick a transsexual ! I only dated her 4 or 5 more times before I dropped her. Enough is enough.

Who is Billy?

Billy is a friend of the family, actually I dated his aunt and that is how I met Billy. Billy has a bit of a disability due to the fact that he is confined to an iron lung. I try to help the family out as much as possible and take Billy on field trips and try to entertain him whenever possible.

He has become a good buddy. Like this weekend, ( I usually like to do things which him on weekends) he had the wish to go to an Iowa Hawkeye game in Iowa City. Well I just about had the iron lung loaded in the back of my Hummer H2 when the next door neighbor queried me as to where we were headed. I told him I was taking Billy to the Carver - Hawkeye Arena for the game. He said there was no game there and that they were playing at the State Penn against some Lions or something like that. Well I didn't have any time to run to this State Penn place so there was no football for Billy.

Billy's mom, Prisilla Lee Schulte grew up in Watkins, Iowa and went to school in Norway. Prisilla Lee was quick to learn the splits as a young lady and she would be destined to become a cheerleader at Norway High School. Prisilla Lee was a frisky girl if you know what I mean and she didnt take to wearing underwear very often. This could be evidenced at her stint has head cheerleader. The team soon caught on to the fact that she was missing part of her uniform and soon was dating most of the team...well everyone ...except the Butz boy who was left out for some reason. Billy's mom was proud of her conquests and often sat around the family dinner table discussing in detail her extra curricular activities with the Norway High School Baseball team.

Well, lo and behold, this Sunday was the premiere of the movie The Final Season which was filmed in Norway and was about the team. Billy asked me if I could take him to the premiere. This was an invitation only premiere and my attempts to get some tickets were unsuccessful. It seems that one of the actors a certain Tom Arnold had hogged a bunch of the comps for his family and Billy was forced to stay in the theatre parking lot in his iron lung in the sweltering 88 degree heat. He damn near died! He wanted to go to the movie because he is convinced that one of the Norway ballplayers of 1990 -1991 season is his real dad.

Instead, I decided to take Billy to the local dog shelter....I call it the dog pound...he was wanting one of those designer dogs...I think it was called a Snickerdoodle....well the pound did not have a Snickerdoodle but the nice lady at the pound took pity on Billy in the iron lung and pushed him back and forth thru the different holding pens of the puppys for adoption. She pointed out this one puppy she said was special and Billy took an immediate liking to her.


Well we took the dog home to Billys mom and dad and Billy was wondering what was so special about this dog. He thought it was just a Heinz 57 sort of dog. The family turned the dog on his back and they discovered the dog had two vaginas. Billy named the dog "Snatches".