Theodore

Flying united can be fun. Sometimes, anyway.

Last weekend we decided to fly to Florida for the Labor Day festivities. We flew United...well actually we sat next to each other on United's frugal airline Ted....I call it Theodore since I am not ready to give it a Nickname. Theodore is the airline that charges you 25.00 to check your bag and 5.00 for s snack. (I would suggest they should give you a 25.00 credit on your ticket price to check your bag and then everyone would get on the aircraft and in their seats in time for the crate to take off on time. However, in our case I doubt it would have made a difference)

Here is a chronicle of our four flights:

Cedar Rapids to Chicago. We get in this small commuter jet that did not have any air conditioning and lumber out on the tarmac to be advised by the pilot that there is "weather" going through Chicago at the present and that we can not take off because O'hare is not accepting any more incoming aircraft. We would wait 15 minutes for further instruction. He also advised that he would have to shut down the engines but would leave the AC on "full blast" for our comfort. Keep in mind this AC was only a figment of someone imagination to begin with. The tiny aircraft is fully loaded and we are all perspiring profusely. After about 15 minutes he advises that they are aking for another 30 minutes until the next advisory. At this time "Ken" the sole flight attendant offers us water. After the 30 minute wait the next advisory asks for 45 minutes more. At that time the merciful pilot advises that we are going back to the terminal. This was just in the nick of time and we were wilting rather quickly. We bask in the wonderful air conditioning of the Eastern Iowa Airport while we await further commands. Soon we are asked to reboard and are again on our way. Of course we miss our connecting flight which was supposed to bring us to Tampa at 5:07.

2. The next flight was supposed to leave at 4:44 and the aircraft was firmly at the skybridge....but we were not boarding. Soon an announcemet told us we were waiting for the fourth flight attendant so that we could board the craft. Then came the word that there was a flight attendant that was flying standby and consequently we could board since he volunteered to help us cram our unchecked bags into the overhead compartments. Okay now we are all seated when the captain came over the lound speaker to advise that the flight attendant was still not onboard but that the airplance had landed somewhere at O' hare. So.....we cooled our butts and waited about 25 minutes for the last of the crew to arrive. Now we push off and lumber towards a runway...al last we would be heading to our destination. We stopped short of taking off with the announcement that there was a computer that had not properly reset or rebooted. They were going to turn off all power then wait 5 minutes and try to reset the damn thing. We waited the alloted time and they tried the reset and nothing.....so back to the jet bridge where they would get the contracted mechanics to look at the computer. We waited awhile for the mechanic...he was probably on break....because it took a while for him to show up and presto after a few more attempts the puter was reset.

It was at this time that we met Rod, who is a member of United's Global Services. He has a personal concierge who shadows him and also has the same seat with the exit row extra leg room on every flight he has with Theodore. He explains that his work schedule has him globe trotting and Theodore took a shining to him. We are now airborne and even though I had some of the Puzzlers drink coupons, the flight attendant brought us drinks ...doubles each time.
Actually, I figured Rod was a Sky Marshall until I saw him slam down a few Finlandias in quick order. The mystery lady was desperately trying to put a dent into Theodore's Supply of Jack. By the time we got to Tampa (another hour behind the new revised schedule) she was all jacked up.

The time in Florida was delightful....now it was time to go home again and since the mystery lady had an early morning flight the next day to go to a store opening for Nordstrom in Los Angeles we booked an early flight back home.....the saga continues.

We board our aircraft and take our seats within one row from the rear and cram our carry ons in the overheads....we leave the skybridge after a delay because the power cord fell out of the aircraft and were again told we had a computer problem. The pilot tried to reset and being unsuccesfull we headed back to the terminal for a closer look by a mechanic. After some more delay the mechanic cannot get the computer to work either and now we are told to go back the ticket counter and reschedule onto a different flight. ( I beleive this was the same airplane as before) Anyway, do you know where you end up in line at the ticket counter when you are in the second to the last row of the aircraft......you get the picture.

I checked my watch and for 25 minutes the line of 150 some people did not move.
I called Billy's landlord because he has all the secret customer service numbers for all the airlines....but he was in Canada fishing and not taking any calls. BTW he STILL hasn't returned my call. I go online with my trusty Blackberry and Google for the secret number. I finally find a website that tells you how to get past the automated voice prompt guy and talk to a live person and plead our plight. He tells me that we have already been rescheduled on another flight tomorrow morning. I advise him this is not acceptable as the mystery lady needs to be at the Eastern Iowa Airport at 5:00 to get on her flight to California. After much whining I convinced him to book us on the last flight out of Tampa this date...


After this accomplishment we head right to TGIFridays for some fortification and are surprised when the bartender knows us and asks us if we want the drinks charged to our house account. You see he was employed in food and beverage at our resort and you could say he has seen plenty of us.....He makes us a super duper drink or two and we are off to the next gate.

Of course this flight was delayed also, but we ran into Rod who was on this flight as well and I knew Global Services would not let him down. This flight left about an hour late with no real excuse...we were just happy to be airborne again.

We arrive in Chicago with quite a bit of time so we stop at the McDonalds which is doing A Schatzi's volume of business. We get to our gate to head for Cedar Rapids to again be advised that the flight is delayed....you see our airplane is on the tarmac but there is another plane in our gate which needs to move out before we can load the craft. After 30 minutes wait we are loaded into the tiny commuter but we aren't moving....it appears there is a mechanical problem with the skybridge and we are waiting for a mechanic to come and fix that so it can be separated from the side of the plane. We wait another 20 minutes and we are disjoined. Maybe a bucket of water did the trick. We arrive in Cedar Rapids at about 11:15 pm very weary and the mystery lady now has precious few hours to repack and catch a few winks.

Next day she boards her United flight for California and everything is going quite well until there is some strange noise on their 777 and shortly thereafter the pilot announces that they have lost one of their two engines and they are required to land at the closest airport which is Las Vegas. She said the runway was lined with firetrucks....but the landing was A- Okay. Maybe you saw it on Fox News. Now another delay while Ted sends for a replacement aircraft. Bottom line she arrives in Los Angeles 7 hours late.

Maybe next time...something attached to rails!

Smokum if you got them

Yesterday was the final day you could legally smoke indoors in public and Bob Bruce was broadcasting from the Six Foot Under Lounge at Daniel Arthurs. Right there is the making for a blog.

I usually don't smoke, but decided it was a happening and therefore opted to attend.

Billy has two heroes in life. One is Brian Kilmeade from Fox News and the other is Bob Bruce. When Billy's neck is strained from watching the boob tube he takes solace in just laying there beside his transistor AM radio. I swear the dial is permanently stuck on 600. Billy is a P-1 and when he heard that Bob Bruce of the BBRE was doing a remote, he insisted I drag (no pun intended) him along.

We showed up at about the same time as the press and I quickly found a spot for him on the open air patio out of the way of the busy wait staff and haze of the cigar smoke. The Six Foot Under Lounge was humming due to the deft hands of Erika and Heather. They were cranking out martinis and other potables as fast as they could.

The co-owners were kept busy. Dan was doing interviews and I caught Lori in the middle of a delivery.


Some of the Ex Club wags were there as well. Pete, Bernie, Gary,...but no Puzzler. The Puzzler was offered a spot near Billy but then he might have been exposed to daylight which is something he fears. There is a reason why Billy calls him the Puzzler.

Billy was able to meet Abby who he has only heard about in the past. Abby is Bob's call screener and hopefully she is able to weed out the prank calls and keep the show moving smoothly. Billy asked me to give Abby one of his calling cards and I so obliged.

Courtney, the Gazette photographer who is a pleasant upgrade from Lorraine was there along with crews from KCRG and other stations. Somehow my mug made it to the front page of my morning friend.

It was fun while it lasted but I believe it will be more fun after today. Billy can breathe a little easier...actually we all will.

Another Resignation

Billy watches Fox News everyday and almost every hour. He like Fox and Friends and says his favorite is Brian Kilmeade....he has sent Brian emails...but as of this date there are no replies. He has entered their sweepstakes and hopes to win the trip to New York. He has hopes that a Hooter girl will personally deliver some wings to the lung. Actually I think he watches Fox News because of the babes of Fox news.

Recently he made me aware of another resignation which he saw and captured to be shared with his blogees:

Billy is Pissed!

Yesterday was my turn in the barrel, so to speak, because Regina gets her hair and nails done every other Tuesday. I told Billy I was cleared to take him to therapy because of The Ex Club got canceled due to perceived weather.

I got the Hummer out to get through an inch and a half of slush and went to the post office where my mail was delivered on time. You see the US Postal Service can't afford to listen to the weather prognosticators with their First Alert PinPoint Doppler Radar. So the mail arrived at the Post Office before 8 AM. By the way, my morning friend never did make it to my house..they must listen to their own weather reports.

In the old days we only had plain old radar and weather maps on a chalk board and Conrad Johnson. Its been said that ever since Conrad Johnson died we have not had good weather. (For you younger bloggees, Conrad was the weatherman on Channel 2 for many years until he died from lung cancer...I suspect Raleigh's.) Billy's favorite weather person is Dominica Davis from Fox News. I like Janice Dean the weather machine.

The weather gurus had predicted freezing rain and told everyone to stay at home. Well that message put my sleepy village of Amana into a deep coma. I went to the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker and they were all closed. I couldn't buy a wienie...I couldn't buy a bun for my wienie or a candle in case the power went out. I went to the Woolen Mill...closed..... how would I keep warm without a blanket. I decided to get a haircut.....closed. Maybe I can get my dental check up....closed. All the restaurants.....closed. All this because of a little slush which by late morning had turned to rain. The bank next door to my office had a sign posted which said, "Closed Due to Weather" ( Who braved the weather to put the sign up? And if you got there to place the sign...why not stay there and make change for a 10 spot).

My bank, US Bank-Amana Branch was open...so I could get some cash and go to the Casey General HandiStore and buy gas........but I had no destinations to go to. The attorney office was open...in case you slipped in the slush....you could sue someone. Tim Meyer Financial was open...so you could buy an accident policy in case you got hurt when you slipped in the slush. Amana Insurance Agency was open so you could buy a liability insurance policy in case someone sued you because you slipped in the slush.

Anyway...Billy didn't make it to therapy. He loves therapy...because it gets him out of the lung for awhile and he thinks the 30 something therapist is hot. Instead he stayed home reading a comic book. Did I say...Billy is Pissed?

Rambling

Sometimes my posts will have a lot of content and other times it will just be ramblings. Keep in mind, my day with Billy is Tuesdays and some weekends. So sometimes, its "all about me". Yesterday was pretty uneventful, unless you count a doctor telling you that you have cancer. A week ago today I had a sore that would not heal removed from my leg and yesterday the pathology report came back and it was confirmed to be Basal Cell Carcinoma...which I guess is the best form of skin cancer you can have. The gooder news is that he feels he was able to get out all of the bad stuff and I have recovered. Now I have a small crater in the side of my leg, which could allow me to smuggle a nickel past a TSA.

After work I stopped at two of my usual haunts..the Moose & Dublin....you see Wednesday is cop day at the Dublin. I was on the verge of being excommunicated from this group due to my recent no shows. So I felt obligated to catch up. I can't mention names because I'm not sure if they are off duty or just undercover. At any rate there is no apparant presence of firearms or badges...but I bet they are there. The main reason to be a part of this group is that occasionally they will share a secret "password" which could be very helpful in the event you were pulled over. I really don't want to test it though.

I am way new to blogging and have been told there are syntax and grammar errors in my writing. To this I say: wysiwyg. My high school English teacher was Mrs. Ruff, about as good as they come, and I'm doing the best I can. BTW the use above about "gooder" was done on purpose. Mrs. Ruff is still living and she was old when I was in high school 41 years ago ! God bless.

Billy called me last night after watching Fox News and was all upset because he saw Ellen Degeneres crying on TV. He offered to give up Snatches so she would be "all better". What a kid.


I have added FeedBurner Site Feed to my blog... As I understand it, this allows the blog to be seen by more people and has a click area where you can subscribe to this blog. So far there is one person who has subscribed. It also gives me an analysis of my demographics. The reason I mention this is that I will share some of the demographics with my faithful readers and Billy from time to time. Also, a new setting allow anyone to post comments. I welcome your criticisms and praises, so knock yourself out.

Okay, enough rambling...maybe tomorrow I'll have something material to post.